Good morning posts, inspirational quotes, pages designed to upload poems and motivational messages only....Every social media platform, so many you tube videos, lot of people in real life too seem to be almost bombarding positive messages on us. Yet the inspirational / motivational messages/ talk funda never gets absolate. Clearly we all keep looking for some motivation, atleast an iota of inspiration to keep moving forward.
But as Rumi says anything in excess is poison...
And unfortunately I have started observing, feeling that this too much emphasis on staying positive is becoming poison for us. How? I will explain.
In the era of being positive, we have started fearing the acceptance and expression of negative emotions. Every Guru, every book, all insta field shout out about how to remain positive in worst situations, how to stay motivated all the time, how to not give heed to negativity which may keep creeping in from time to time and how people who could do this have achieved great things in life. We strive to achieve these unrealistic standards, we strive and we fail. Once we do the situation is worsened because there is an additional guilt that we are not able to do what we are 'supposed' to and what millions are doing to make their lives better.
So if you are not that omni-positive miraculous person and feel bad about it, let me tell you at the outset that, it is ok to feel negative at times, it is ok to feel sad, upset, depressed. It is fine to feel hopeless for a little while. And it is absolutely human to not to feel happy and positive at all times.
When I am feeling sad, upset, negative and instead of validating my feelings, I say to myself, 'shhhh you aint supposed to feel this! Come on lets stay positive, yeah!', I suppress my emotions. I don't give them due importance, I trivialize them and blame myself for having experienced them at first place. Seems like that famous shallow advice, 'Hey cheer up there is nothing like depression!' Outrageous isnt it?
Is it bad to strive for more optimistic approach towards life? Ofcourse not! But the path of being postive and hopeful person invariably goes through the experience of some negativity. In order to feel optimistic and positive I first need to validate my feelings, accept them without any judgement, have some rendezvous with them and then think about dealing with them, searching for solutions etc. Listen to that sad frightened 'negative' whisper, go near it, comfort it, understand it's roots, it's depth...just like you would comfort a little frightened child. The secret is not to suffocate, but to understand it. Honestly, according to me, that is the only secret!
There is some miracle about acceptance. When I accept my feelings I immediately begin to feel better, when I accept my behaviors non judgementally I begin to change, when I accept others unconditionally, they start experiencing greater peace and confidence in themselves.
So lets not dive into the dark pool of positive thinking, but first understand the game of emotions and change.
Wednesday, July 25, 2018
Wednesday, June 27, 2018
Dobby, Houselves and Introjection
Warning: Those who have not read/watched Harry Potter series and intend to do it may find some spoilers in this post. In that case you may avoid reading it.
So it all started at Crosswords. When me and Onkar wonder in malls, visiting crosswords is a ritual. Buying absolutely no book from them is also a ritual. In latest of these wonderings I saw a notebook and the message written on it simply touched my heart.
'Dobby has no master
Dobby is a free elf.'
Yes I am a Potterhead. But what touched me was not the fact that this was potter themed goody. It is also not the fact that like million others I am a fan of Dobby. What rather impressed me was Dobby's fierce desire of living in freedom expressed in those two lines.
I wondered how I didn't appreciate this aspect enough when I saw the movies and read the books...and now I am also wondering if there are more such subtle aspects which need my attention. After all that is a good excuse to read Potter again.
But be that as it may be.
On one of our numerous discussions, my insightful colleague pointed out how Dobby has freed himself from his defense mechanism, introjection to be specific, while other elves kept on living in it. According to the Psychoanalytic theory proposed by our great doc Sigmund Freud, in order to save ourselves from the anxiety resulting from unacceptable thoughts and feelings, we unconsciously use some psychological strategies, which he terms as defence mechanisms. one such defense mechanism is introjection. When we use this defence, in order to avoid conflict (inner as well as outer) we tend to (unconsciously) take others values and swallow it. Make it our own...so much so that we forget it doesn't belong to us, we don't realize it is toxic for us...we go on proclaiming and even defending them as our own.
After Harry frees Dobby from his mean master, Dobby starts asking for wages for his work. He wants an off from work. He is ready to work hard but he doesn't want to commit himself unconditionally to any master. He wants a fair and square returns of what he does. This very idea is revolting to the other elves. They don't support Dobby, rather consider him quite weird and rebellious. They continue to live as they have so far.
The other end of this continuum is Kreature- Serius Black's houself. Kreature's introjection of master's values is so strong that anything and anyone who does not subscribe to the same beliefs is target of his vehement hatred. He even disrespects his current master Serius, because Serius has been a runt of the family who never followed the existing traditions and way of living of Blacks. He hates Harry because Harry is not 'pureblood', another introjected value (!) of Black family. Towards the end he comes to support Harry, but this change of heart comes only after he perceives that Harry respects his attachments to his previous masters.
Somewhere in between of these two ends lies Winky. Winky is removed from the service by her master for a mistake which actually she has not committed. Winky cannot take this blow. Even after securing an employment at Hogwarts and lot of support from Dobby she continues getting affected with the incidence. Combined with dejection, or I daresay more than it, what is bothering her is the fact that her master (Barty Crouch) has confided some 'secrets' to her and only her. Without her in the service, he is totally alone and has got noone whom he can trust and lighten his heart. The merciless removal doesn't really make her hate the master, far from it, it doesn't even create justified feelings of anger in her. she continues getting troubled, starts abusing alcohol and is generally unable to recover from the trauma.
As Freud points out Defence mechanisms may serve us for some time, reducing anxiety and conflict. But in long run if one persists using them, the resulting personality would be anxious, full with inner conflicts. When one gives up on defences, some absolutely beautiful changes may take place in the personality of person. Not only that but he/she would experience greater freedom and relief. Just like Dobby, who goes on wearing quirky clothes and socks (houselves wear old tattered clothes as masters would not give them any. Giving clothes to houself is considered freeing him from service) and takes pleasure in his just service.
One of the characteristics of Fully Functioning Person of Carl Rogers is the one who is free from defences. One who accepts himself as he is. Being aware of own behavioral patterns is the first step towards becoming this 'Person'. Accepting them whole heartedly is the next one in the journey of self growth. Quoting rogers again,
'The curious paradox is when I accept myself, I begin to change.'
Is it difficult? Yes. Although a rebel, who had conviction that Harry should be saved from the mean schemes of his Master, Dobby had difficulty in coming out of the lifelong habit of obeying masters. He punishes himself with severe physical punishments when he breaks the hints of his Master's plan to Harry, as he is still in the service at that time. Even afterwards when he is no longer serving Lucius Malfoy- his former master, when he speaks ill of him, he inadvertently goes on giving himself physical punishments. Respecting the master, serving him, has sunk so deep in Dobby's system, that his actions have become conditioned.
But Is it worth trying? Yes. Dobby lives a beautiful, respectful life, serving those he really want to and have respect for. It is not merely a life of rebel, it is a life of following what or whom one truly believes in and loves. He dies a beautiful death saving the one who has treated him with care and respect, perhaps for first time in his life, and not without resounding the above mentioned words:
'Dobby has no master, Dobby is free elf.'
Walking on the path laden with defences and lack of self awareness, it would not be surprising to meet with self destruction like Winky or hatred and rigidity like Kreature.
I believe almost each one of us at some point of time in life feels rebellious about something. We rebel about something, let it be a small thing- a rule, a tradition, a ritual, a norm, an existing way living, our parents, and so on. But rebelling against your own patterns? That is a challenge.
Dobby's epitaph suits his lifelong quest- 'Here lies Dobby- a free elf.'
This freedom is not mere relief from a particular service. It is freedom from own defeating behavioral patterns. And that makes it incredible.
If you want to know more about Dobby and other houselves you may check out these links:
http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/House-elf
https://youtu.be/xWG7EWE5CoM
https://youtu.be/4qP7qAFRZuQ
So it all started at Crosswords. When me and Onkar wonder in malls, visiting crosswords is a ritual. Buying absolutely no book from them is also a ritual. In latest of these wonderings I saw a notebook and the message written on it simply touched my heart.
'Dobby has no master
Dobby is a free elf.'
Yes I am a Potterhead. But what touched me was not the fact that this was potter themed goody. It is also not the fact that like million others I am a fan of Dobby. What rather impressed me was Dobby's fierce desire of living in freedom expressed in those two lines.
I wondered how I didn't appreciate this aspect enough when I saw the movies and read the books...and now I am also wondering if there are more such subtle aspects which need my attention. After all that is a good excuse to read Potter again.
But be that as it may be.
On one of our numerous discussions, my insightful colleague pointed out how Dobby has freed himself from his defense mechanism, introjection to be specific, while other elves kept on living in it. According to the Psychoanalytic theory proposed by our great doc Sigmund Freud, in order to save ourselves from the anxiety resulting from unacceptable thoughts and feelings, we unconsciously use some psychological strategies, which he terms as defence mechanisms. one such defense mechanism is introjection. When we use this defence, in order to avoid conflict (inner as well as outer) we tend to (unconsciously) take others values and swallow it. Make it our own...so much so that we forget it doesn't belong to us, we don't realize it is toxic for us...we go on proclaiming and even defending them as our own.
After Harry frees Dobby from his mean master, Dobby starts asking for wages for his work. He wants an off from work. He is ready to work hard but he doesn't want to commit himself unconditionally to any master. He wants a fair and square returns of what he does. This very idea is revolting to the other elves. They don't support Dobby, rather consider him quite weird and rebellious. They continue to live as they have so far.
The other end of this continuum is Kreature- Serius Black's houself. Kreature's introjection of master's values is so strong that anything and anyone who does not subscribe to the same beliefs is target of his vehement hatred. He even disrespects his current master Serius, because Serius has been a runt of the family who never followed the existing traditions and way of living of Blacks. He hates Harry because Harry is not 'pureblood', another introjected value (!) of Black family. Towards the end he comes to support Harry, but this change of heart comes only after he perceives that Harry respects his attachments to his previous masters.
Somewhere in between of these two ends lies Winky. Winky is removed from the service by her master for a mistake which actually she has not committed. Winky cannot take this blow. Even after securing an employment at Hogwarts and lot of support from Dobby she continues getting affected with the incidence. Combined with dejection, or I daresay more than it, what is bothering her is the fact that her master (Barty Crouch) has confided some 'secrets' to her and only her. Without her in the service, he is totally alone and has got noone whom he can trust and lighten his heart. The merciless removal doesn't really make her hate the master, far from it, it doesn't even create justified feelings of anger in her. she continues getting troubled, starts abusing alcohol and is generally unable to recover from the trauma.
As Freud points out Defence mechanisms may serve us for some time, reducing anxiety and conflict. But in long run if one persists using them, the resulting personality would be anxious, full with inner conflicts. When one gives up on defences, some absolutely beautiful changes may take place in the personality of person. Not only that but he/she would experience greater freedom and relief. Just like Dobby, who goes on wearing quirky clothes and socks (houselves wear old tattered clothes as masters would not give them any. Giving clothes to houself is considered freeing him from service) and takes pleasure in his just service.
One of the characteristics of Fully Functioning Person of Carl Rogers is the one who is free from defences. One who accepts himself as he is. Being aware of own behavioral patterns is the first step towards becoming this 'Person'. Accepting them whole heartedly is the next one in the journey of self growth. Quoting rogers again,
'The curious paradox is when I accept myself, I begin to change.'
Is it difficult? Yes. Although a rebel, who had conviction that Harry should be saved from the mean schemes of his Master, Dobby had difficulty in coming out of the lifelong habit of obeying masters. He punishes himself with severe physical punishments when he breaks the hints of his Master's plan to Harry, as he is still in the service at that time. Even afterwards when he is no longer serving Lucius Malfoy- his former master, when he speaks ill of him, he inadvertently goes on giving himself physical punishments. Respecting the master, serving him, has sunk so deep in Dobby's system, that his actions have become conditioned.
But Is it worth trying? Yes. Dobby lives a beautiful, respectful life, serving those he really want to and have respect for. It is not merely a life of rebel, it is a life of following what or whom one truly believes in and loves. He dies a beautiful death saving the one who has treated him with care and respect, perhaps for first time in his life, and not without resounding the above mentioned words:
'Dobby has no master, Dobby is free elf.'
Walking on the path laden with defences and lack of self awareness, it would not be surprising to meet with self destruction like Winky or hatred and rigidity like Kreature.
I believe almost each one of us at some point of time in life feels rebellious about something. We rebel about something, let it be a small thing- a rule, a tradition, a ritual, a norm, an existing way living, our parents, and so on. But rebelling against your own patterns? That is a challenge.
Dobby's epitaph suits his lifelong quest- 'Here lies Dobby- a free elf.'
This freedom is not mere relief from a particular service. It is freedom from own defeating behavioral patterns. And that makes it incredible.
If you want to know more about Dobby and other houselves you may check out these links:
http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/House-elf
https://youtu.be/xWG7EWE5CoM
https://youtu.be/4qP7qAFRZuQ
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